April 13, 2017

Standard

Betrayal of Self

How do I explain
This feeling of
Betrayal
Abandonment
When my friends acted
In no way
Against me.
All they did
Was choose to volunteer
To have their feet washed
At Holy Thursday mass.
I, too, could have volunteered.
Perhaps I, too, should have.

But instead
I chose misery.
I chose tears.
I chose loneliness.
Isolation.
Because that apparently
Is my natural state.
Always miserable.
Always alone.
It’s a wonder I even have friends.

I chose this.
This suffering
Is suffering I inflicted
On myself.
I didn’t have to.
I didn’t have to.
I could have been happy.
I could have been free.
I could have been together.
But I chose the only route
I seem to know:
The route of loneliness
And self-pity
And tears
And self-hatred
And isolation.
A route only an idiot
Would take willingly.

I
Am that idiot.
Hear my cry.
***

Prompt: A poem explaining my current emotional state. Because I do that a lot. 

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